InTheNutshell
A Day In The Life

Written Christmas day, 2012…

It’s waking up and wishing you hadn’t.
It’s cursing the bird that’s chirping TOO FUCKING LOUDLY outside your window.
It’s hating the sun.
It’s the storm cloud of soul crushing sadness that hovers- all the time.
It’s pinching the fat on your stomach and hips and thighs.
It’s feeling so exhausted, you have to crawl from bed to the shower.
It’s crying in the shower.
It’s being unable to look in a mirror without wanting to kill yourself.
It’s collapsing on the bathroom floor in tears.
It’s blasting music to drown out your screams.
It’s the carefully planned outfit to make everyone think that you are fine.
It’s Vodka for breakfast…and lunch, and dinner.
It’s telling your friends and family that life is normal- whatever the hell that means.
It’s the anger and rage, always ready and waiting, in your back pocket.
It’s the lie you tell when someone ask’s how you are.
It’s trying to work when you just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
It’s feeling useless and talentless and without purpose.
It’s feeling hopeless and lost and alone.
It’s the motivation that comes from trying to hide.
It’s watching a child smile and trying to remember if you were ever that happy.
It’s watching the couple holding hands while you hold a knife.
It’s watching blood drip from your body.
It’s holding your breath hoping no one talks to you as you run to your car.
It’s hating everyone for not talking to you as you run to your car.
It’s trying to drive in a straight line.
It’s walking into a bar and finding relief in the bottom of a glass.
It’s the sense of empowerment and recklessness that overtakes you.
It’s feeling invincible when you can’t even walk straight.
It’s trying to seduce someone when you can’t speak coherently.
It’s using someone to get out of yourself.
It’s staring into a person’s eyes and seeing someone else.
It’s the rush of getting away with something you know you shouldn’t.
It’s the guilt that immediately follows. 
It’s reaching for a bottle of pills to cure a pain you can’t describe.
It’s feeling judged for buying chocolate.
It’s feeling like a beached whale.
It’s crossing the streets and wishing a car would hit you.
It’s watching the sun go down and knowing you will never be anything special.
It’s wanting to go home.
It’s walking into a dark and empty house.
It’s wanting to be alone and yet not wanting to be alone.
It’s watching the clock and feeling your life dissapear before your eyes.
It’s throwing up again and again and again.
It’s hating everything about yourself.
It’s crying on the bathroom floor.
It’s feeling so cold that nothing can warm you.
It’s sadness that physically hurts.
It’s insomnia.
It’s hating the smiling blonde on the computer.
It’s throwing your computer across the room.
It’s staring at your phone and willing it to ring.
It’s scribbling page after page, trying to make sense of whats in your head.
It’s being unable to write because your hands are shaking so bad and you can’t see through your tears.
It’s screaming into your pillow until you loose your voice.
It’s hating everything about yourself.
It’s believing that nothing will ever be ok.
It’s believing that nothing will ever change.
It’s watching the sun rise and trying to live another day.
 

I would have liked to find something intelligent to say to you, in order to make clear what separates us, but no use. I am a mind still unshaped, like an imbecile. Think whatever you like of me.
Antonin Artaud, letter to Jacques Riviere, March 22, 1924 (via depressionparty)

Flickering, calamitous, ubiquitous sound,

the emptiness, the silence without you around.

Agnes’s shadow bent on revenge,

screaming in delight,

the pillow beneath the bed.

Exctacy, the wind moans louder,

with each snowflake falling.

Quivering in the darkness,

diamonds, birthed under cloak and cloud,

glittering, never fearing,

melting when the sun rises.

Hand in hand.

Illuminate the night.

Stars leave the heavens to surround,

to bask in the glow,

of a moment, pure.

For all my fellow youtube addicts. Fuck you google+

RIP youtube.com

Couldn’t resist sharing…

Couldn’t resist sharing…

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

I was ten and making pot holders with my friend Melissa. (No, that’s not code for something, we were actually making potholders.) Her brothers were there too. We all had popcorn and watched it on their family computer because they didn’t have a DVD player yet.  (Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.)

2: Talk about your first kiss.

It sucked. Selfish, stupid, bastard. :/ Looking forward to better. I deserve better.

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

Writer. Need I say more?

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

Not standing up for myself in particular situations… and that night in Brooklyn.

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

None of them really standout. :( Birthdays and me don’t mix. Last year I went to the gynecologist. That was the highlight of my birthday. Yeah…

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

(See above)

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

Me. That is my biggest insecurity. I’m plagued by the idea the I will never be enough. Pretty, smart, funny, etc. No matter how good I get, it’s never enough… I’m a work in progress.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

Surviving my teenage years. Recovery… Writing out the special edition Lord of the Rings movies from memory when I was 16. :D

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

My collar bone. My long neck. Long fingers.

10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

Where to begin? So many to choose from.

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

I died and met John Lennon and Danny Kaye in heaven. I asked John if he found what he was looking for and he said yes. I danced with Danny Kaye and felt graceful and pretty and alive.

12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

I had a dream that my Mom and I were being chased by some super creepy evil spirit thing and she didn’t believe that the thing was chasing us.

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

No comment. But damn girls, never be afraid to say no. If he’s pressuring you, tell him to fuck off. You deserve someone who loves you enough to wait until you are 100% comfortable and ready and sure.

14: Talk about a vacation.

Vacation? That’s that thing that rich people do right?

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

Probably now. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life but somehow life’s never been better. Weird I know.

16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

Christmas parties at my aunt’s when I was a kid. Me and the sibs and my cousins would all hangout and eat junk food and play Mario Kart on Nintendo. Best fun I’ve ever had.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

 Jeff Foxworthy, Craig Ferguson, Amanda Palmer, Laci Green, Hank and John Green, Weird Al, Helena Bonham Carter, Gilda Radner, Jim Gaffigan, and so many more.

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

I got called fat by a lot of girls and the boy I had a HUGE crush on.

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

Me and the only three friends I had, organized three different pranks on the teachers we hated most. It was glorious chaos. And we didn’t get caught. Best day EVER!

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

I was homeschooled for high school and left by myself too often. My mental state was REALLY bad at that point. My High School memories consist of trying not to kill myself, crying, reading A LOT, blasting music, and crying… like most people.

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

Several old creepers when I was using/drinking. Old guys love me.

22: Talk about your worst fear.

Being alone forever.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

First you have to have someone for them to turn you down. Or at least have the courage to want someone. I’ll get back to you when that happens.

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

My Dad teaching me that just because you’re in pain doesn’t mean you get a free pass to be a dickhead to everyone else.

My friend Manuel, (May he rest in peace) in response to my self pitying comment, that I am like a black rose, completely devoid of color and life and will never be happy or bring happiness to others… “a black rose is still a flower and a flower is one of the few magical things left in this world.” 

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

My only ‘best friend’ I am still friends with. I’m of the pre-Facebook opinion that you don’t need a million friends who don’t really know you, just a few close true friends that actually care.

26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

Watching ‘The X- Files’ always makes me feel better. Mulder and Scully forever ♥ 

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

Eyes all the way.

28: Talk about your fetishes.

Guys with longish hair or facial hair. Love it. Guys with dimples.

29: Talk about what turns you on.

Such a cliché, I know, but confidence. And guys who are chivalrous. Hold the friggin door open for me. Help me with my coat. Not because you think I’m helpless or incapable, because you like me enough to treat me with kindness and respect.

30: Talk about what turns you off.

Smoking. Treating me like I’m your mother and not your lover.

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

Peaceful.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

The alley behind a friend’s house. She lived down the street from us and me and her and my sister used to play baseball and kickball there all the time. Broke a lot of shit. Sorry neighbors.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

Clean and listen to music.

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

I get REALLY bad periods. Always have. I bleed like a stuck pig and get cramps so severe they make me nauseous and fever-y. Not fun.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

Doubting myself. 

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

The tv show ‘Melissa and Joey’. So cute.

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

After seeing Lord of the Rings I became obsessed with Viggo Mortensen and have said ever since, if I were to get serious with someone, it would be that type of guy.

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

'The Sadder But Wiser Girl For Me' from 'The Music Man' always makes me think of one of my childhood friends. We were probably 8 or 9 and decided to perform that song for our parents. TOTALLY did NOT understand the meaning of the song at all. Thankfully our parents were aware of that fact and clapped good naturedly… still makes me laugh thinking about it.

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

How to ask for help. How to say no to people.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

My feet are at the end of me. They’re sore as fuck!

Curtis

My friend Curtis was a prince of a fellow,
one eye green and one eye yellow.
Wanted by all but none as much as me,
Queen of the lonely.
A babe was I,
the day he walked by.
At last, this was it, I knew,
exactly what (or who) I was put here to do.
But Curtis was all too aware
of my blatant stares.
He knew just what I was after.
"Little one." Was all he said.
With a shake of his head, he was gone.
And that little girl with her head in the clouds,
came crashing down,
reality crowned another one.
And that’s how I became,
the queen of the damned,
just another mindless commuter,
found dead amist candy wrappers,
and my old computer.